The Ana Edit Issue #10: Reflecting on Failures
15 Failures and Lessons I Have Yet To Learn
Last week, I discussed the wisdom I have gained and the lessons I have learned. However, my 15 years of life most certainly have not been smooth sailing. From self-deprecation to moments of folly, I am far from infallible. One of my number one goals is to take down the veneer of perfection that the internet touts. No one, from the supermodels on Instagram to the social justice advocates, is void of flaws. By confessing these truths, I hope I can help tear down unrealistic standards. Enjoy!
Ana's Corner
I wish to keep this newsletter terse, so I will skip the week’s nuances and my weekly rant. Side note, writing a blog provides some much-needed catharsis, so If you are ever at a low point in your life, I would recommend this hobby. If you are a shy or taciturn individual, you do not need to compose the blog for consumption; If I were you, I would write a post as if I had an audience, so that I am specific in my wording and deliberate in my prose, but I would keep the pieces for myself. It may seem daft to create a blog for no one besides oneself to compose, but the greatest strength a human being has is imagination, so employ it. Do not let the inner voice in your head impede you from a potentially cathartic activity. Anyway, I digress. For this week’s Ana’s corner, in keeping with the theme of transparency, I am going to share a few of my goals for the week with my pass and my success rates. These goals are measurable in that I can count how many days I did them, but not all of my goals are. I will reiterate: these are just a few of my smaller quotidian aims.
First things first, I attempted to journal. I have written about this seemingly, for me, painstakingly tricky task in a previous entry, so see blog post #6 for more details. Last week, I purchased not one, but two journals of varying sizes for different purposes. My mentality was if I buy a quality journal with a high monetary value attached to it, I would be predisposed to scribe in it, for I do not want to waste the money my parents or I earned. My goal is to journal consecutively for 30 days, but so far, in the last 5 days (the journals arrived on Tuesday), I journaled for 5.
Next, there was the task of finishing a philosophy book. I adore philosophy and this task was not a matter of motivation or sloth, but whether I could allocate enough time for completion. I am elated to say I was successful! The book, for those who are interested, is Philosophy 101: From Plato and Socrates to Ethics and Metaphysics, an Essential Primer on the History of Thought by Paul Kleinman. I may write a review on this, so I do not want to jump the gun. I need time for a book to simmer, so to speak, before making a rash evaluation. My last goal was to walk or workout for at least 3 days this week, a severe decline from the activity level I have partaken in for the last few months. For many months during quarantine, I was active for 5 days a week. Now that school has started, I am playing a game of tug-a-war with my time. Nonetheless, it is paramount that I stay in shape and maintain my health, so I set a small goal for myself, something easily accomplished, with no room for excuses or reservations. I was successful in this pursuit, but I was so adamant about succeeding that I am not surprised (I had my mother call my lazy every time I procrastinated lol. It is remarkable how motivating that is).
That was my week in a nutshell. Without further ado, here are my follies, failures, and faults: a humbling list to transcribe.
15 Failures and Lessons I Have Yet To Learn
Subsection One: Lessons I Have Not, But Need To, Learn
Love Thyself-
I assert to others that the only person who you are with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, is yourself. Thus, the person whose opinion and wellbeing matters the most, in one’s view, is themself. Truth be told, I am relatively decent, if I may say so myself, at not caring too much about what others think of me. However, as much as I care about what I think of myself, I am far too harsh and stringent. I can never please myself from academics, to looks, to any minuscule task. Quite frankly, it is an exhausting, enervating way to live.
One Failure Does Not Define You-
There is a difference between failing and being a failure. The rational side of me knows that, but when I do fail, the emotional side kicks into high gear.
Do Not Apologize For Speaking Profusely-
You cannot change who you are and who I am is a loquacious person. I continue to speak, but when I start to go on a tangent, I apologize profusely when I shouldn’t be if someone wants to hear what I have to say. Of course, there is a time and a place, but I shouldn’t have qualms about sharing what I think.
Be Assertive With Those Who Wrong You
Why bother trying to help someone who has treated you so woefully?
Set Boundaries.
I have yet to learn how to strike the perfect balance of yes to no responses. On the one hand, I readily turn down opportunities that do not aid me in the productive sphere of my life, yet this is problematic because I need a better work to life ratio. On the other hand, I incessantly answer yes to productive opportunities, a decision resulting in my being overworked and run ragged.
Skills I Have Not Mastered
How To Keep A Clean Space.
For someone so mentally organized, my fastidious nature does not materialize itself in my environment. When my parents step into my room, they are prepared to overcome hurdles as if there was an obstacle course. The hurdles, of course, are the piles of clothes, accessories, arbitrary objects I discovered that were purchased when I was 5, and other emblems of my disorganized self.
How To Write Neatly.
I have purchased and ruined countless bullet journals with my contemptible handwriting. I try to slow myself down, but the letters are still a conglomeration of lines with no definitive starting or endpoint.
How To Bake.
This is due to sheer sloth and prioritization, but I have never learned how to bake virtually anything. If I am ever to host a dinner party when I am older, I hope they are satisfied with Mcdonald’s ice cream cones, because that is all I will bequeath.
How To Braid.
Out of all the things I cannot do, this one is the most agonizing. I am enamored of braids, and they suit me quite well, but neither my immediate family nor I can braid. Perhaps this will be a goal I will pursue if time permits, but for now I will remain in awe of the double dutch braids others rock.
How to Meditate.
This may seem bizarre to some, but the type 0f meditation people declare is life-changing and ruminative is no easy feat to attain. Not only am I far from maintaining this status, but I cannot seem to reap any benefits from basic meditation for momentary stress relief.
The Follies Of My Past: Asinine Decisions
Prioritizing Vanity Over Health.
.I was once obsessed with being as slender as humanly possible because I yearned for the physique of my lanky friends and the gorgeous supermodels showcased on social media. The reality of eating disorders is that the weight loss feels expedited for those in them and slow-motion for those around them, them being those with the mental ailment. . While it may seem as if the person is suffering for months on end and slowly fading, for the person who is sick, at least for me, it feels as if in one day my entire life had evaded me and withered away. Speaking of withering away, what many do not realize, is the mental and emotional joy one feels fades exponentially while the weight fades linearly. Far more is lost than the mass; the mass of a body holds the joyous occasions with friends, the motivation to pursue goals, and the grander vision that life transcends the body in which you reside.
On a lighter note………….
2.Wearing Hot, With A Capital H, Pink Clothes.
When I looked into the mirror as a child, I thought, “Wow. Barbie has nothing over you with the vibrant pink, the color of a highlighter. You look sizzling!”. To which my mom would say, “You are going to be late to school, honey”. While I appreciate my mother’s support and her willingness to let me make my own mistakes and stumble before I surge, I wish she would have taken me by the shoulders, sat me down, and said, “Go Change”. 2 words could have prevented me from wearing that abhorrent hue of pink. Yes, the decision was mine, and it is 100% my fault, but I was in serious need of guidance. For a visual, look below. For those who are readers, I will provide a description. Imagine a 5'0 porcelain girl with short hair and atrocious brows (I get them done now). She walks into the room, and you are blinded by the sight of a hot pink shirt, hot pink pants, pink socks, and tattered shoes because she is infatuated with the design. Now, multiply the level of disapproval you have by 10, and you get the spitting image of moi. Not to mention, this was not a passing phase. These were my stylistic preferences from ages 4 to 12.
3. Attaching Myself To One Individual Rather Than Getting To Know Multiple People.
This is not to say quantity is prevalent over quantity, but it is good to have a few friends as a child to deduce the type of person around which you want to be and to learn from others in order to have a better understanding of others. Empathy is vital, and it is a skill I learned later on in life, morosely.
4. Half Of The Amazon Purchases I Have Made.
Did I really need the toothpaste dispenser or the fancy pens far out of the realm of reasonable prices? In my mind, it was not a matter of what I needed, but rather what I wanted. The allure of Amazon is far too strong. From the 2 day shipping to the array of goods, Amazon is the supreme monopsony (you read that correctly. While most are familiar with a monopoly, monopsonies exist as well). Jeff Bezos has created a demon and I am dancing with the devil.
5.Trying to Salvage Unworthy Friendships
When I was in a dark place in my life, I lost many of my friends in the span of months. When I reached out and explained the distress through which I was going, they had no sympathy or empathy. I should not have anticipated anything differently given they spoke poorly of me during the time of struggle and defamed me behind my back. Stupidly, I reached out and I apologized. I had to practically urge them to apologize, a mistake one should avoid, because they could not even fathom that they had a slither of culpability. Some friendships are simply not worth saving, if I can even insinuate that was a friendship.
Conclusion
Life is not always glamorous, and those whose life seems that way tend to put up an ostentatious facade. I am grateful for the relationships, possessions, and fortune I have, but it is important to heed the negatives as well, for they are unavoidable aspects of life. I will conclude this blog post with a quote befitting of the subject manner:
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”- Thich Nhat Hanh
